#3: Recent and Current Events

 Good morning, everyone. So, these past few weeks have been quite a few things piling up, both external and internal factors. First, I will share how I have been feeling for the past few weeks. I have been feeling pretty apathetic and closed-off to a fair amount of things, and I'm not entirely sure why I have been feeling like this. I have a couple of people around me that I have shared these thoughts with every so often when I notice it, and I'm trying to actively understand why I am this way. I know that I have different tyes of issues: some traumas, self-worth, feeling emotional, empathic, or understanding others, having some trouble staying connected to people, and other things I am consistently learning, and will continue to try to push through the apathy, because it sucks not caring about anything. It sucks not truly being able to feel joy, love, peace, or other good feelings because my mind wants to protect me from something. I will someday discover how to dull the apathy, and to be more social, understanding, and caring. I have a rocky path ahead of me. 

Second, we can discuss the fact that I had an eviction scare recently. I wasn't able to collect the full amount I needed for rent, due to the fact that I had to pay it all at once, in full. I didn't pay the flexible rent payments through Flex at the beginning of the month, and they pretty much said, "Sorry. But you can try again next month." So, I had to then try to find a way to pay my rent in full with other bills that were automatically coming out of my account. So long as the rent is pid by the end of the month, I say who absolutely cares when the rent is paid, just pay the bill. But, they wanted their immediate payment so I could continue my subscription to my apartment. I understand not feeling connected to people, as mentioned above, but if you are going to work as a sheltering service for people to be able to live comfortably, just let them pay their rent when they can. Make sure that it is paid, for sure, but have some humanity as well. People have things they're trying to pay for on topof rent, just give them a break. I got help from a few different sources, and my rent was paid, even the fees that were added onto the original pyment. I hope to not have that kind of issue again, but life is never so certain. This was a hard lesson to learn for how I spend my money, though. I have to be very careful. I am eternally grateful for all who helped me, all who will help me, and all who desire to help me but have their own things going on. Life is nothing without connections, guys. Not so they can be used, but so a mutual exchange of ideas, good times, jokes, conversations, transactions, and other things can flow easier for everyone involved. I am quite antisocial, so I definitely know that I need to get better with being at least a bit more social, especially if I am to go into social work like I had previously mentioned in another post. Life has its hard or uncomfortable moments, and that is an understatement, I know, but let's help to comfort and build one another up, not tear one another down. Let's build a community of those who help how they can and learn to accept people for who they are, without having any expectations over what they do or how they act. Let's be better people for ourselves, for those that we truly care for, and for those that we wish to make proud. Be yourself, but learn that change is inevitable, so we can't be the exact same person over time, we must modify ourselves, adapt, and continue to learn new, exciting, and good things for whatever purpose we wish to go with, whether that's helping ourselves and those we love, wanting to slowly make the world better, or just to make a small part of it better than it was. 

Don't ever lose hope, guys, for it may be all that's left. I will learn and do better, and encourage any who read this to think about doing the same. I love you, guys. Stay safe and hopeful. 

#2: Change is a neutral consistency

 Good morning! How are you doing? I will be sharing some thoughts today on the topic of change. It is a very interesting topic, in my opinion. 

I am currently working on changing, morphing into someone that I not only want to be as I get older, but someone that is proud of being themselves, without any external manipulation or influence. I am not changing my core values or things that I hold dear to myself, but I am trying to become more inclined to think of empathy and how others may be feeling in different situations. I am trying to learn how to think about things more deeply, and obtain a perspective that helps me achieve that more efficiently. 

For instance, recently, I have had conversations with friends about Internal Family Systems, and have had some interactions with different aspects with the core idea before, but am beginning to truly realize how powerful and helpful it can actually be. It helps to process emotions and thoughts in a more reflective and respectful way for one's own health, helps to ease the heavier thoughts or feelings I may be having at the time, and helps me perceive others in a more empathetic and understanding way so less conflicts arise. 

It's certainly a challenge because it is different and new, but it is very fascinating and I want to make sure that I am doing what I can to do better for myself moreso than for others. That isn't to say that I want to be selfish or egotistical, I just want to focus on how I feel and ensure that I know as a person that how I feel is important, my thoughts aren't stupid or a cause for others' pain or emotional distress. Standing my ground in my own way is a fun yet scary experience, especially with how much I have been worried about others' opinions of me in the past or how they will react. 

If I can share a very nerdy thought: I like to imagine my life like the avatar cycle from The Last Airbender. By that, I mean, I have lived part of my life in a similar behavior to airbenders: lively, spirited, looking for enjoyment and connection with others but having trouble with taking some things seriously at times, and that was moreso my childhood. Then, there's the water benders: going with the flow, having an easygoing watery side as well as a rigid icy side, and learning how to manage those two and how to see them as two sides of myself rather than enemies within me, and that was around my teenager years and early adulthood. Next, there is the earth benders, and that's the side I think I'm on, and it's been a struggle. For them, they are stubborn and stand their ground and don't allow others to change their perspective along with not wanting to find a potential other way to do things; they face the issue head-on, and I think they're also pretty grounded and caring in a complicated way. Then, lastly, there's firebenders, and they are a fiery, ambitious, powerful source of energy as well as sometimes being perceived as tempermental or hot-headed, pun intended. 

I say all of that as a way to bring some amusing comparison to some of the aspects of my life, and how I kind of view how things have been in my past, as well as show what's going on currently, and where I want to possibly be in the future. With that being said, I don't want to be tempermental or aggressive in the future, just ambitious and wanting to be comfortable enough to go for what I want to make myself truly happy without trying to worry how much it will impact those closest to me, or those possibly not that close to me. I just want to do what makes me happy without being shamed, just as I want to help others find what they desire and things to make them happy without judging or shaming them. Things have changed within me over time, and likely will continue to, as change is a big consistency of life, ironically. Things will change, but that doesn't mean things have to be bad or worse, and they aren't inherently good or positive either, change is just a neutral shift from one thing to another. It depends on what the change morphs into to know if it's possibly good, bad, both, or none, but that's all also up to personal perception. I can get into perception another day, but you'd better expect a massive ramble there, because perception is such a fun, incredibly subjective concept. 

Thank you for reading all of this, and I hope to report on another topic, perhaps perception, soon. Have a lovely, marvelous Monday, everyone!

I'm Back... Again

 Good afternoon, everyone! I hope you are all doing well and staying warm. 

So, I know I have written posts in the past that were eventually removed. That is because I could not keep up with the consistency of each of the stories and a stable timeline, but I will do my best to ensure that I can. I know, I know. I have said that before, but I am about to start college this summer for Human Services to go into Social Work, and I am actually quite excited for that! My goal is to work at the school that I currently work at, just as a Social Worker instead of a teacher's assistant. But if not, then I will see what other good options may be out there. 

I will do well to keep on top of updates, probably weekly, if not more, and try to fill you in on the history of how things have went for me so far. For everyone, even past readers, I can inform you that I am visually impaired, and have been since I was 11 years old, so a bit over 15 years now, but it feels like an eternity ago. 

I have been working at the school that I graduated from for almost four years now, hard to believe, but I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else, honestly. It is such a blast here, and I can't wait to see what new and interesting things happen for me on this journey I am putting myself on by going back to college for a career as a Social Worker for this school (hopefully). 

I can make another post within the next few days or so, but I truly hope to keep up with this; I very much missed this.